A few months ago I promised myself that I would start writing regularly again, and then promptly broke that promise because, well, life happened. Every time I tried to find the words to describe the last few months of my pregnancy, my pages turned up empty; partly because I couldn't quite wrap my head around the nightmare I was living, partly because everything I wanted to write was tainted with anger and mostly because writing the words out meant that this wasn't actually just a nightmare, this was now my life.
And then, last Monday, I finally met my beautiful baby boy. On September 18 at 12:54 p.m. (as cheesy as it sounds) my life changed momentously. Our little miracle, Asher Robert, was born and the next chapter in Tyler and I's journey began. Within 24 hours of his birth, we had a new diagnosis for Asher's condition, agenesis of the corpus collasum and an explanation for those that don't speak the foreign language of medicine: Asher is missing the part of his brain that sends messages between the right and left hemisphere. This diagnosis comes with a lot of uncertainty and there is a large spectrum of outcomes which means we have a long, long road ahead of us and so here I am, back to trying to write again, trying to make sense of the roller coaster that has become our reality.
I'll be totally honest, I am still angry most days. I am sad almost all the time and I am still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing, but then I look at this precious, wonderful tiny human that once upon a time they had told me I wouldn't be able to meet or take home and its hard to feel anything but immense gratitude, joy and hope for his future. While I pray this blog is full of stories of successes, milestones and complete happiness, I know that might not always be the case in our new kind of normal, but I'm going to continue to cling to the hope of a bright future and celebrate all Asher's successes no matter how small they are because when it comes right down to it, we have no idea how this condition will effect him.
So, if you want to hear all about the daily happenings of NICU life and how this roller coaster continues when we *hopefully* bring him home really soon, I'll be here ranting, rambling, complaining and bragging about my this perfect human and our new life. We're taking it one day at a time and we are going to keep betting on Asher.